She's a Fleeting Fox

I always forget about this blog, this thing, this place that I've spent many years complaining and writing down all of the feelings that come to me. Usually, I was good and as soon as I had the feeling, I would let it out. But it's become so much harder to do that lately...

I hide everything. Everything. I have such a problem talking about my feelings because I know that nobody can help me or truly console me..especially when I let myself feel like this. Mike and I argue about it because I'll randomly become insecure and feel inadequate for our relationship, and he'll yell at me because he's so frustrated that he can't help me. But it's not his fault and I try to reassure him that it's okay he can't help, just as he reassures me that I'm still good for him.

But I don't understand why I keep having these negative thoughts...like I'm not good enough for him...that he'll leave me for someone better...that I'm not attractive or happy enough. I'm scared my sadness is going to ruin us. Of course I'm happy with him and I love our relationship..but there's something about me..just me..that's unhappy. This past few months have been so incredibly shitty. The last half of the year has made me feel more unsettled and upset and sad about life and just...like there's no hope.

I truly feel like giving up. And that scares me more than anything. 

I also did really bad this semester in college. I failed two of my Com classes...I don't know what's going to happen with that. I hope they don't kick me out of the major. But I don't want to go to college any more. But I hope they don't kick me out of school. I know I could do it, but I can't do it. I think I've developed an anxiety disorder. I also feel like I might have ADD or ADHD or whatever. I can't focus, study, or think straight for most of the day. It's always been this way but at least in high school, getting by and just "winging it" is so easy. In life, that can never happen. Real life is so painful.