Today's the day. The day. How weird does that sound? It makes it seem like it's something horrible is gonna happen. "Today's the day I die." Well, it almost feels like that. Pathetic. Don't say that. Don't think that. You're still alive, eh? You're still walking. You're still growing. He's still a part of me. It may not be perfect right now, but it's still something.
I really feel like I'm going to cry. Maybe I should. It helps, some ways. A year ago today, I was so infatuated with you. I was so happy that I was done with Jamie. Everything from that moment on, I felt, was going to be so amazing. I met you. You were so....right. Everything felt right. I was constantly smiling. You were being really sweet. You felt so young to me, but it was good. It was new. I needed new. I needed to know that I could move on and be happy and find someone who was good to me. That was you. You were really sweet and you gave me so much hope. And you gave me something that I wasn't able to find in anything, or anyone else. Love. I found love in you. Those nights we had conversations for hours, laughing, crying, being silly--I was falling in love with you. It wasn't infatuation any longer. It was real. It felt so right. It felt like everything I had ever wanted in a person was there. I mean, not literally. You weren't standing in front of me, but...your goals, your voice, your understanding, your humor, your tenderness, your sweet smile. I was so happy to have finally found someone I never thought existed. I mean, we all have our shortcomings. There are things about you that aren't so perfect, as well as there are things with me that aren't perfect either. You are unsure of so many things in life--which you should be. Nobody ever really knows what's going to happen tomorrow. You can plan, but plans don't always work out. My shortcoming is that I look to far ahead, and I jump into things maybe too fast. When I see something I want, I gotta have it. That's how it's always been with me.
There is a part of me that still believes you and I are truly supposed to work out. And that everything we've been struggling with will pay off in the end. I touched your skin, I held your hands, I kissed your lips, and I laid with you for awhile. I felt that pull towards you..and even though we're not in the same room right now, I still feel close to you. I miss you. Happy one year of knowing you, panda. I do love you very much. Please don't hate me when you get m present. It is for you. Even though you don't want it.
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