I haven't really missed blogging. I don't think about it much. Because most of the things that were blogged about in here don't matter whatsoever any longer and it's a wasteland. Old memories and feelings that don't need to see daylight again reside here.
So why am I here?
Mike and I are rocky right now. And I'm sad. Because I want nothing more than to make things work with him, and be with him forever, and always make him happy. I'm not the kind of girlfriend that I want to be..and I don't know if I"ll ever get back to being the girlfriend I want to be...
He tells me that I'm controlling..which I am, I know. He tells me that I need to stop bugging him every 15 minutes about what he's doing. And he wants me to truly trust him. I do trust him. I just...I don't know what's wrong with my brain lately. I'm just a fucking mess, always sad, always afraid of everything.
I've started to have really bad (actually, I shouldn't say started, because I've had these feelings for so long but they are more occurring now) thoughts lately...
Sometimes I hope I die just so I don't have to experience life
And that is a terrifying, horrible, and miserable feeling I wouldn't wish on anyone.
Mike, if you read this some day, I want you to know that I love you. More than anything I could ever love or ever have. This blog was the place that I "ran" to when things got bad, when I was having problems with others but didn't want to be upfront about them. You've helped me express my feelings openly...you've helped me become a better person. I love you. I hope you love me too..and even if you don't, or if you've stopped, or will stop...I hope I helped you too.
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