She's a Fleeting Fox

I don't spend a lot of time here...anymore. I probably should. Maybe I wouldn't take out my emotions so much on you. You just told me that you want to lose weight..us both lose weight. Which is fine. I hear it all the time. You also said you want to cut back coming to see me...so you can get a real, steady job. I understand. It makes sense. But it makes me sad because what if you get a real job...and lose weight..meet some new people..and just change.

So much can change and it scares me. What if I fall behind? Like I have. I always have. I'm quitting college in the spring and I'm going back home. What if I'm not able to come work with you for the summer? What if I get worse instead of better? I can't stop worrying and fearing. And I'm not sure counseling is helping. 

Yeah, blog, I started counseling. I feel like everything around me is like a drug. My relationship is like a drug. When I'm happy, I'm fucking happy. And when I'm sad, I'm fucking sad. Counseling helps me for like 48 hours and then I need it again because I'm feeling anxiety, or depression, or some shitty feeling I can't describe that nobody seems to be able to help me with...it fucking sucks. Living this way. All I want do is get better. Be healthier...in every aspect. And I want to be with Mike. In Connecticut. So we can have cheer each other on and be each other's supporters. Honestly, most days I feel pretty useless to him. 

Like what do I bring to the table? Just a ball of shitty depressing feelings. Fuck. I wouldn't even wanna be my own friend.

/end self loathing