She's a Fleeting Fox

Things have been difficult. Extremely difficult with Mike lately. We've been arguing way more now....his planned trip to come see me has been postponed so many times. It's becoming harder and harder for me to handle..and it's affecting our relationship. But I'm not the only one who feels how hard it is; he has too. It seems like every few nights we argue, then on the other nights we reflect on how we truly feel and why we argue about what we do. I've never argued with a boyfriend before. Vincent and I...we never argued. I think maybe once we did. We never had a proper argument. Everything was always rainbows...and then he left me. And I won't lie to you here....I'm terrified that one day Mike will leave me. Even though he tells me he won't....I don't know how much I can believe him. He tells me "if I was gonna break up with you, trust me, you'd know." What does that even mean? Because it feels like lately he's getting fed up. He says no, he gets mad and tells me that I'm crazy for even thinking he would leave me...but...I dunno. 

I've never left anyone before. I'm always the girl left behind. As much as I might have thought this and written about it in this blog, I knew that Vincent wasn't the person I was destined to be with--marry is what I mean. Mike...I just..I feel it. When I see myself getting married, it's to Mike. I've dreamt about it. I wanna have his last name and have his children. I tell him time and time again...and I think I tell him so much because I never wanted ANYTHING like that before him. Not even with Vincent. We never talked about kids or marriage mostly because HE knew he didn't want anything like that with me. Regardless of how many times he told me how wonderful and perfect of a girlfriend I was, it was blatantly obvious I wasn't the girl he was gonna settle down with....and I fucking hate myself for not seeing that sooner. But it's okay...it really is, because I have Mike. And I love him with more than I could've ever loved anyone with...truly.

Something else that's sorta getting under my skin....but not necessarily in a bad way....after every single time Mike and I fight, we get VERY intense. Passionate. Sexual. It's..fucking awesome, but confusing at the same time. Are we fighting just to fuck? No, I don't think so. But sometimes it feels like we're so intense that I wonder what'll happen when we aren't fighting anymore...which I rather not fight than have really intense Skype sexy-times. As much as they are wildly fun...and our sexual relationship has taken a huge turn (for the better, trust me) I loved our delicate sex..I love just the light touches and makeout sessions..but we're trying new things, which is great...but I am delicate. And I need those soft touches to feel whole. Intense sex makes me feel animalistic and wild, but all I've ever wanted was a guy to touch me so softly and carefully that I came without force.

And Vincent, if you EVER found this post or blog....I forced myself a lot. But I'm sure you did too.