She's a Fleeting Fox

I really do wanna talk about Vincent here, because it's the only secure place I actually can. There's a lot I never said about Vincent here, because I actually transfered most of my feelings to another blog...a blog I gave him the link to, in hopes that he would see that I was talking about him. Did he look? I'm sure. But he knows nothing of this space. This is my own. And though I have readers, or lookers, you all don't know me...and don't really know about us. We had, at least I thought, something different. The love I felt for Vincent was unlike anything I had ever experienced. I was addicted, perhaps, to being his. Was he really that special, and worth all of those tears? No. Probably not. But it happened. We had something. He is part of my story, a huge part in fact. I grew a lot while with him, and grew even stronger after things ended. In posts from long ago, I talked about him a lot. I even blogged about our last break up on here. That was the start of the demise of this blog. But I uprooted it because I know I can't hide feelings. Lots of good has come from the breakup, and some bad too. Most of the bad, however, was brought upon myself by myself and could only be cured by myself. I've healed a great deal, but I won't lie...not everything is completely better. 

Remnants of me were lost after that breakup. Forever, most likely. And that is perfectly okay. Everyone changes. Nothing will ever stay the same. I'm happier now with who I am than I was then.

Vincent is still with the girl he dumped me for. Part of me wishes that he wasn't, and the other part doesn't care. I told myself that if Vincent dumped this girl for someone else, I would feel no more attachment. I don't think that's honestly true. But there are aspects of this relationship he's in that...make me upset.

Earlier this year I was on Tumblr, the place I spend most of my time on the internet (sad), and I was looking at the notes on a particular video. Sometimes when I'm looking at the notes, I like to click on a few of the blogs that reblogged or liked the picture/video/whatever and check out what their blog is about--based off of their user name. For whatever reason, I clicked on this random name...

turns out to be Vincent and his girlfriend's NSFW porn-esque blog.....

I somehow...WITHOUT NO IDEA THAT IT EXISTED...clicked on my ex-boyfriend, who back then I was still dealing with feelings for, and his girlfriend's porn...blog...

My heart was hurt. I remember looking at it, hoping not to see photos of them, anything about them. I read the description, the "about me," everything. My eyes watered and blurred as I scrolled down the pages. Why? Why? WHY?! Why...did I have to see that? I didn't even know that they had a blog, and I most certainly did not know that it was theirs when I clicked on the url. In fact, the name doesn't even give a clue that it's a sex blog. 

I honestly felt like it was fate; I needed to see this. This, this weird little sex blog of theirs, was the start of my healing process--but it made me go mad for awhile. Though I had found it, I didn't confront Vincent at all. We carried on with our "friendship" pretty well, but I knew that I was truly insignificant to him then. But at that time, I was unable to just cut ties altogether. Like I said, Vincent was a drug for me. If we didn't talk, I felt lost. It was horrible. 

I tried my hardest to stray from that blog. I didn't come in contact with it again up until a few months ago. Fast forward though...around the middle of September I remember I was sitting in the living room of the apartment I live when I was texting Vincent and all of a sudden he brought up Mike, my boyfriend. I thought it was strange he would bring him up--when we broke up, I told him I didn't want to know anything about his new girlfriend, and he wouldn't know/ask about anyone I would be with. That was the deal. But, we talked about it and I, for whatever reason, asked about Lauren. He told me that she and him had broken up a month prior. In my head, I was laughing "ha! finally!" I thought all of the weight I was carrying around for a year would just slip away...but it didn't. I was actually kinda sad for him. He said that their breakup was rough but he was getting by. I told him how great of a person he was, and sincerely meant it, and that I hoped he would meet someone new soon. 

For whatever reason, I decided to check out that sex blog they had together to see if she had deleted it because they broke up. Turns out, they didn't break up at all, and were continuing to post together on the blog, frequently. I was enraged. How could he lie to me? Why would he even say that? He knew I was with Mike, and did he honestly think that by telling me he wasn't with Lauren, I would magically wanna be with him? It's insane. I wanted to punch him. In the next few weeks, I slowly stopped communicating with him....until it just ended.....stopped...done.

I haven't spoken to Vincent since the end of September. And though I think about him sometimes, I am 100% happier now than I was wasting all that time messaging him. He didn't love me, and probably never did--at least not whole-heartedly. And y'know what...that is perfectly fine. I know that I loved him, and that I was good to him. I deserve better than that, and now I have the most wonderful boyfriend I could ever ask for. Mike knows my past, and he knows how strong my feelings for Vincent were--but he never shut me out. I love Mike, and it's on a whole different level than it was with Vincent.

Yes, I was young when I fell in love with Vincent. I was naive, probably too hopeful, and careless. I wanted things with him to work so bad that I discounted my own feelings and wishes. It was always about pleasing him...never me. And that whole time, he was worried about himself. When you put it on paper, the words and actions by him are really hurtful. But I lived; I survived a horrible heartbreak. 

I'm better now. In a weird way, I thank him. He came into my life for a reason and that reason was to help me grow. So, thank you for not loving me and making me cry all those tears. Maybe not a waste, but now I finally see. Thanks.