She's a Fleeting Fox

Well, Blogger, you have caught me again. I don't know if I'll post after this but we should just enjoy this moment, huh? Things have been alright. Days have been shorter and I've been sleeping much longer. I miss classes. I hate classes. I want out of here, but I want to stay in Raleigh. My roommate is cool and we hang out a lot. She's Cuban. She talks about being Cuban a LOT. I guess it gets on my nerves. Her boyfriend is Polish, like me, but he is from the mother land. She tells me I'm not Polish enough.........

You're right. I'm Cuban.

I do like my roommate, don't get me wrong. She's cool and she has a car and we laugh a lot. But there are moments where she thinks she's so self-righteous and right about everything. She's not. Honestly, she's wrong about a lot of stuff. Just because you've had a job since you were 11, and had boyfriends since you were 14 or whatever doesn't mean you know more than I do. I think a lot. I observe constantly. I read stuff. I have experienced stuff. Not much, but stuff.

I miss Vincent. I really do. We text every day. All day. I don't understand. Is there feelings there still...or am I just blind? We're friends, I guess. I hate being his friend. He doesn't even call me his friend. Maybe it's weird for him too. Maybe he wants me but he's moved on and he feels like it's just..not there. But it's there. Just grab it. It's there, baby. You can do it. I'll help you.

I love you.

Deeply, sweetly, forever. Y'know, I used to think that loving someone was naive and pointless. Now, I believe it's naive, pointless, difficult, upsetting, and absolutely, completely wonderful. It takes so much out of me but I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It's dim, I know. But eventually I'll get there, and I'll be beautiful again. And we'll rejoice in the fact that I didn't kill myself this time. Maybe next time, they'll say. "Hush, it's all good now, baby."

I want to be back in your arms. I want that kiss again. God, your lips are wonderful. I miss your touch and your eyes. I think about you all the time. I'm guessing I'm on your mind too. I wonder what you think about me. Is it some of the same of what I think about you? I hope. I really hope so.

If we ever go back together...it won't be the same. And I'm okay with that. We'll start from the ground up. We need to do it right this time. Not that we did it wrong last time..we just didn't know what the hell we were doing at all. But now we know. You're scared. You're afraid to grow up and you change your mind a lot. And it's funny because I'm every single one of those things except when it comes to you. I put so much into you and I knew how to forget everything else when it came to you. But that's alright. People are different. We were different...but honestly...I feel we were still good together.

I wonder if she is better than me.