Why am I so scared? I used to be so independent. I used to be so happy by myself. Maybe it's because I've never known such attachment. But, still. Why am I so scared to lose something so great?
I saw a quote today that said something like: "Just because it's over doesn't mean it didn't happen. As people grow, they grow apart." Or something like that. I'm scared of growth, I guess. As bad as I want to move out of my parents house and start actually living, I'm scared to let go. I remember in 8th grade we were all so sad to go onto high school. It was the last year as children and now we were growing into pre-adulthood.
Now, I'm a senior and I'm not ready to say goodbye. I know that I'll be even more emotional on graduation day than I was on the last day of 8th grade. I don't want to leave this incubator I've been so comfortably warm in. I want to stay here, in this moment forever. And I'm not just talking about school. I'm talking about my relationship with Vincent too. I feel like if I was to lose him, I'd be losing the greatest part of me. He's changed me so much. Who would I be if he up and left? Just me again? Would I revert to who I was before I met him? Would I go back to chasing after Jamie? I don't want to go back to that hurt. Vincent keeps me from that hurt. Vincent is good and Jamie is bad. I feel like I've learned to sort out the good from the bad now.
Of course, Jamie is still a part of me. He has a very dark mark on my heart, but he's there. Vincent's mark is bright and bold, and big as well. He practically covers my whole heart. Whenever I really think about Vincent, I picture his skin against mine. I cannot tell you the last time I laid in bed with a guy that wasn't Matt and who isn't only a friend. Though there is so much I'd love to do with Vincent, I'd preferably like to spend all day in bed, touching every inch of him--marking every detail in my mind. Then, the skin on my lips would touch his. My eyes would not want to blink, but look at his for awhile. I would play with his hair examining every follicle. I would like to imagine he'd play with my hair for awhile too. And while his fingers are running through the sections of my hair, I'd grab his hand, brush my fingers up against the palm and look up at him. Our palms say a lot about ourselves. I bet his would say more than I could ever grasp, being he is so intelligent. He's definitely one of the smartest people I've ever talked to. He's one of the most beautiful-spirited people I've ever talked to too.
This was the first real, descriptive blog I've written in awhile. I really should be doing homework right now, but I cannot focus. Please, let me focus sometime soon!
I saw a quote today that said something like: "Just because it's over doesn't mean it didn't happen. As people grow, they grow apart." Or something like that. I'm scared of growth, I guess. As bad as I want to move out of my parents house and start actually living, I'm scared to let go. I remember in 8th grade we were all so sad to go onto high school. It was the last year as children and now we were growing into pre-adulthood.
Now, I'm a senior and I'm not ready to say goodbye. I know that I'll be even more emotional on graduation day than I was on the last day of 8th grade. I don't want to leave this incubator I've been so comfortably warm in. I want to stay here, in this moment forever. And I'm not just talking about school. I'm talking about my relationship with Vincent too. I feel like if I was to lose him, I'd be losing the greatest part of me. He's changed me so much. Who would I be if he up and left? Just me again? Would I revert to who I was before I met him? Would I go back to chasing after Jamie? I don't want to go back to that hurt. Vincent keeps me from that hurt. Vincent is good and Jamie is bad. I feel like I've learned to sort out the good from the bad now.
Of course, Jamie is still a part of me. He has a very dark mark on my heart, but he's there. Vincent's mark is bright and bold, and big as well. He practically covers my whole heart. Whenever I really think about Vincent, I picture his skin against mine. I cannot tell you the last time I laid in bed with a guy that wasn't Matt and who isn't only a friend. Though there is so much I'd love to do with Vincent, I'd preferably like to spend all day in bed, touching every inch of him--marking every detail in my mind. Then, the skin on my lips would touch his. My eyes would not want to blink, but look at his for awhile. I would play with his hair examining every follicle. I would like to imagine he'd play with my hair for awhile too. And while his fingers are running through the sections of my hair, I'd grab his hand, brush my fingers up against the palm and look up at him. Our palms say a lot about ourselves. I bet his would say more than I could ever grasp, being he is so intelligent. He's definitely one of the smartest people I've ever talked to. He's one of the most beautiful-spirited people I've ever talked to too.
This was the first real, descriptive blog I've written in awhile. I really should be doing homework right now, but I cannot focus. Please, let me focus sometime soon!
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