I remember many times in my life where I would lay in my room, in the dark, blinds closed and crying. I'd pray to God that he'd bless me with someone to love or someone who wouldn't hurt me. I'd lay there, weeping, knowing that my prayers seemed silly. People usually pray for health, to keep it, that is. People usually pray for sick people. I am sick, though. I've been sick for quite some time. Heart sick.
I wouldn't ever say that I am the only one who goes through these sorts of emotions. These emotions would consist of anger, passion, love, hate, longing, depression and emptiness. And most of these emotions come from the relationships I've had over the past few years. I know that I am young and that I don't think I can legitimately call all of the relationships I've had true. But they did happen. They've shaped me and who I am. Everyone I meet and converse with has some affect on me, whether or not it is apparent.
Back to relationships, yes, most of them were built on false words. I've done things I do not like to repeat. I've hurt people before. But, like they say, hurt people hurt. All this time I was looking for someone to be real with and fall in love with--though I did not believe in love at all. To be honest, the term 'love' scares the shit out of me. I don't like to throw it around like it has less valuable meaning. Loving someone is a BIG thing. I want love. I crave it, even though I don't always admit it. The worst part is, I 'love' the wrong people. I tend to fall in love with guys who A) don't know who they're really loving or b) think nothing of me. Most of the time it's B, but things changed...one very lonely Wednesday afternoon.
I'm very bad at tracking dates, but I think the first time I spoke to Vincent was July 20th. I was bored one evening and while I was on Tumblr I saw people had taken funny screen shots of silly things that people said to one another on Omegele. I never used Omegele so I decided to check it out. After going through a few people, I started talking to Vincent. At first, I thought he was nice. He was definitely easy to talk to, which caught my attention. We started talking about beavers and Canada. Which, for anyone who knows me, I have a very strong obsession with Canada. I don't know why--anyway--our conversation soon got more deep. I told him about my relationship with Jamie and how toxic and hurtful everything was. Vincent...he knew what to say. Though, I've heard what he told me before from various people, sometimes it's better to hear it from a stranger. And on Omegele, he was a Stranger--literally. After a long time of talking, we decided to be friends and we exchanged SNs, emails, whatever.
The next day we talked some more, about things. I don't have those conversations saved, but I know that things got really intense. We started developing real feelings for one another. It was still early, but there was something there. That night we talked on the phone. I was extremely nervous. What if he doesn't like me on the phone? What if he sounds weird? What if we don't connect? The first two nights were pretty basic--though things were definitely interesting. He asked me to be his girlfriend and I was ecstatic. I felt so happy because I finally felt like I was able to move on from Jamie and, hopefully, find real love.
Days turned into weeks, and I was in love with Vincent. I've never ever felt the way I do about him with anyone else. I feel like he's sincere, which is something I never feel about guys. I believed that nobody is sincere anymore and they only act on lust or want. Most guys don't care about loving someone--just what they can get out of a girl. Vincent is different. He's got a heart of gold, like I would like to believe about myself.
Looking back on our first conversation on Omegele, this really stood out to me--"When you like/love someone, you come back because their joy brings you joy which makse them happy, and it keeps going." He is my joy. I've never been happier. I feel so light and whole when I think about him. He's meant to be mine and in my life. I have no doubt about it. So, fuck not believing in young love because it's what I am. I'm in love with Vincent and I always, always will be.
Before I end this blog post, I just remembered something that sort of fits into this whole situation. In January of this year I opened up a fortune cookie and I thought I got the best fortune ever. It read, "a chance meeting with a stranger will possibly change your life." When I had met Jamie, I thought this fortune was speaking of him, but I was dead wrong. Vincent was the stranger that opened my eyes to what love really is. And he's changed my life for the absolute better. My heart is healed and I want to hold onto this love for as long as absolutely possible. I feel like God has answered my prayers and he's given me the most amazing, thoughtful, wonderful, beautiful souled guy I could EVER ask for.
I wouldn't ever say that I am the only one who goes through these sorts of emotions. These emotions would consist of anger, passion, love, hate, longing, depression and emptiness. And most of these emotions come from the relationships I've had over the past few years. I know that I am young and that I don't think I can legitimately call all of the relationships I've had true. But they did happen. They've shaped me and who I am. Everyone I meet and converse with has some affect on me, whether or not it is apparent.
Back to relationships, yes, most of them were built on false words. I've done things I do not like to repeat. I've hurt people before. But, like they say, hurt people hurt. All this time I was looking for someone to be real with and fall in love with--though I did not believe in love at all. To be honest, the term 'love' scares the shit out of me. I don't like to throw it around like it has less valuable meaning. Loving someone is a BIG thing. I want love. I crave it, even though I don't always admit it. The worst part is, I 'love' the wrong people. I tend to fall in love with guys who A) don't know who they're really loving or b) think nothing of me. Most of the time it's B, but things changed...one very lonely Wednesday afternoon.
I'm very bad at tracking dates, but I think the first time I spoke to Vincent was July 20th. I was bored one evening and while I was on Tumblr I saw people had taken funny screen shots of silly things that people said to one another on Omegele. I never used Omegele so I decided to check it out. After going through a few people, I started talking to Vincent. At first, I thought he was nice. He was definitely easy to talk to, which caught my attention. We started talking about beavers and Canada. Which, for anyone who knows me, I have a very strong obsession with Canada. I don't know why--anyway--our conversation soon got more deep. I told him about my relationship with Jamie and how toxic and hurtful everything was. Vincent...he knew what to say. Though, I've heard what he told me before from various people, sometimes it's better to hear it from a stranger. And on Omegele, he was a Stranger--literally. After a long time of talking, we decided to be friends and we exchanged SNs, emails, whatever.
The next day we talked some more, about things. I don't have those conversations saved, but I know that things got really intense. We started developing real feelings for one another. It was still early, but there was something there. That night we talked on the phone. I was extremely nervous. What if he doesn't like me on the phone? What if he sounds weird? What if we don't connect? The first two nights were pretty basic--though things were definitely interesting. He asked me to be his girlfriend and I was ecstatic. I felt so happy because I finally felt like I was able to move on from Jamie and, hopefully, find real love.
Days turned into weeks, and I was in love with Vincent. I've never ever felt the way I do about him with anyone else. I feel like he's sincere, which is something I never feel about guys. I believed that nobody is sincere anymore and they only act on lust or want. Most guys don't care about loving someone--just what they can get out of a girl. Vincent is different. He's got a heart of gold, like I would like to believe about myself.
Looking back on our first conversation on Omegele, this really stood out to me--"When you like/love someone, you come back because their joy brings you joy which makse them happy, and it keeps going." He is my joy. I've never been happier. I feel so light and whole when I think about him. He's meant to be mine and in my life. I have no doubt about it. So, fuck not believing in young love because it's what I am. I'm in love with Vincent and I always, always will be.
Before I end this blog post, I just remembered something that sort of fits into this whole situation. In January of this year I opened up a fortune cookie and I thought I got the best fortune ever. It read, "a chance meeting with a stranger will possibly change your life." When I had met Jamie, I thought this fortune was speaking of him, but I was dead wrong. Vincent was the stranger that opened my eyes to what love really is. And he's changed my life for the absolute better. My heart is healed and I want to hold onto this love for as long as absolutely possible. I feel like God has answered my prayers and he's given me the most amazing, thoughtful, wonderful, beautiful souled guy I could EVER ask for.
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