Sometimes it's hard to learn from all your mistakes

Writing my feelings gives me anxiety
so I've stayed quiet

for years, obviously

I've blocked a lot of shit out..for years now. I've ended things that I thought weren't good for me. But I've healed from my pain. From loss. 

I wish I could tell you, tell me, that things are perfect. But they're not. However, I'm hopeful. 

I forgave myself, by the way, if you were wondering. 

The last time I wrote anything on this page I was 23 years old. Now, I'm 26, with my own apartment, single, and at the beginning of loving myself (better)

I'm gonna post this before I delete it all

8 weeks 6 days

I loved you. I didn't know you, but I loved you. I saw your ten fingers. I saw your ten toes. I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. My heart is broken, just as yours doesn't have a beat. I know it was the wrong thing. Or the right. I don't know. I love your father. I love you. Please forgive me. I hope you got to meet my grandpa. 

I hate myself.

Y'know what?

I kind of feel like Jerry Seinfeld when he says that everything evens out for him. Even steven.

I've become that girl who, yes, may be sad when a relationship ends--but I know I'll be okay. Whatever is meant for me will not pass me. It sucks that things didn't work out between Martin and I, but I know I'll find whatever is meant for me.

Yeah, I don't think I ever mentioned his name on here. I don't come here much, as you know. He was a good guy, but our time is over. 

The sex was phenomenal though--shit, if only I was the type of person to just stick around for that. 

I really should stop telling myself that I have a "type"
because I always end up with someone or something that I always said I didn't want

but then I realize I wanted so bad



thank you for touching me,
regardless of what happens

you touched me like I needed
like I haven't been touched before