What if I woke up tomorrow and just felt beautiful? It doesn't seem to happen though. Sometimes I have daydreams that one morning I wake up and I'm skinny. Well, maybe not skinny, but thin. Thin enough for where someone can pick me up or carry me in their arms, hold me tight easy, and clothes seem to fall off my body. How crazy would it be if I went to sleep in my clothes right now and woke up so thin that the clothes wouldn't stay on my body even if I forced it to. Would I be happy? More than likely, I would be shocked, but happy probably.
Staying positive is so damn hard when I look this way. It's sad that I try to find someone bigger than me and remind myself that I'm not as ugly as them. But they're not ugly. My stupid mind tells me so though. I know weight is just a number and I'd actually be happy if I weighed the weigh I am but looked different. I always wanted to be one of those girls who people said "oh, you look so good for your weight" to. People don't say anything to me about my weight. I guess they figured it's hard enough to look the way I am, so why bother speaking about it. They're right too, to a degree.
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Today, I was walking into the building with Matt. There were a lot of students around, and this really tall kid was in my way. Not just tall, but really tall. I passed him because he was slow. As soon as I walked in the building he goes, "damn, that fat girl cut me off...shit.." And then his friends laugh. I mean, it still hurts to hear shit like that. I don't know if Matt heard him, but he most likely did. Sometimes I really do believe people think I can't hear. I hear a lot of what people say but I just take it and go. I walked fast into the library so Matt couldn't catch up with me. He eventually did and I didn't really say anything. What's there to say? "Did you hear that guy call me fat?" I don't want to say that. If he said yes then I would probably keep walking, beet red from embarrassment. I don't care. I don't care. Don't care. Care.
I wish I could be in a place where everyone accepts me. I want people who aren't fat themselves to accept me. Sure, they know what it's like..but I want people who aren't fat, will never be fat, and know that there's nothing wrong with not looking like a twig.
I don't want to be skinny, nothing of that sort. I just want to look better. There are some girls who consider themselves fat, but I would kill to look like that. I want to look better. I need to start eating right. I need to get better. I just want to be healthy. I say this a lot and then shit happens. When will it kick in that I need to change? It's not just a want, it's a need.
Vincent says I don't need to change and that he loves me for who I am. But he doesn't technically know the real me. Well, he does, but I'm talking about my whole appearance. I've only shown him so much. I always get very scared when I realize that my vacation to California is coming rapidly and that I will see him soon. I will be seeing him in a month and 13 days. What if he sees me and laughs then says "I can't believe I was talking to you for 11 months." It'd probably hurt him if I said that to him, that I had those doubts. Because my heart is telling me that he loves me, but my head is saying that he'll hate me and call me ugly when he sees me standing in front of him. I don't know what to do. He knows I'm very insecure though. And everything in regards to weight and being fat bothers me. On the phone with him last night I said fat quite a bit because I read this book that said it a lot, too.
I started reading this book called "The Earth, My Butt, and Other Big Round Things." After my AP final exam yesterday I sat in the library. We were allowed to go home straight after but since I had no right and it was almost 12, school not being let out, I decided the library would be quiet and non-stressful. I went looking for a book and came across this one with a really shiny cover. Heh, shiny. Pretty. I like. I read the cover, chuckled and looked inside the book jacket to read about the book. I always do that to see if I actually will like the book. It's a little preview thing, I guess. It sounded interesting, especially since it deals with weight issues. I don't really want to talk much about the book but it was amazing. It was so amazing that I read it in one day. I have never been able to do that. I mean, granted, it is only 250 pages or so--but still. I don't read. I haven't really read anything in such a long time. I could never find pleasure in it. The book is about a girl who is 15, a sophomore in high school, living in Manhattan and has weight issues. She doesn't fit in with her family as well. Everyone is skinny and beautiful. The book basically starts off with her and this guy, not technically a friend, named Froggy as she's making out with him. He tries to feel her up, and she lets him touch her. She only believes that the reason he's touching her is because it's behind closed doors.
There's a part in the book that really upset me. She talked about this thing called the "Fat Girls Code of Conduct," and how a fat girl doesn't get much action and doesn't have relationships so she needs to abide by the rules. There's a part where it tells about a joke and its: What does a fat girl and a moped have in common? They're both fun to ride, but don't let your friends see you do it." Basically saying, don't tell your friends you're having sex with, dating, or hanging with a fat girl..because they're unworthy of being seen with. It really hit hard with me for some reason. I just couldn't get over it.
Anyway, I probably should stop typing now. This is a super long blog post, though I have had longer. Not in awhile, but I have. Things are just...just right now. I don't want to eat. I want to be thinner. I want to be healthy. I want to just be.
Staying positive is so damn hard when I look this way. It's sad that I try to find someone bigger than me and remind myself that I'm not as ugly as them. But they're not ugly. My stupid mind tells me so though. I know weight is just a number and I'd actually be happy if I weighed the weigh I am but looked different. I always wanted to be one of those girls who people said "oh, you look so good for your weight" to. People don't say anything to me about my weight. I guess they figured it's hard enough to look the way I am, so why bother speaking about it. They're right too, to a degree.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Today, I was walking into the building with Matt. There were a lot of students around, and this really tall kid was in my way. Not just tall, but really tall. I passed him because he was slow. As soon as I walked in the building he goes, "damn, that fat girl cut me off...shit.." And then his friends laugh. I mean, it still hurts to hear shit like that. I don't know if Matt heard him, but he most likely did. Sometimes I really do believe people think I can't hear. I hear a lot of what people say but I just take it and go. I walked fast into the library so Matt couldn't catch up with me. He eventually did and I didn't really say anything. What's there to say? "Did you hear that guy call me fat?" I don't want to say that. If he said yes then I would probably keep walking, beet red from embarrassment. I don't care. I don't care. Don't care. Care.
I wish I could be in a place where everyone accepts me. I want people who aren't fat themselves to accept me. Sure, they know what it's like..but I want people who aren't fat, will never be fat, and know that there's nothing wrong with not looking like a twig.
I don't want to be skinny, nothing of that sort. I just want to look better. There are some girls who consider themselves fat, but I would kill to look like that. I want to look better. I need to start eating right. I need to get better. I just want to be healthy. I say this a lot and then shit happens. When will it kick in that I need to change? It's not just a want, it's a need.
Vincent says I don't need to change and that he loves me for who I am. But he doesn't technically know the real me. Well, he does, but I'm talking about my whole appearance. I've only shown him so much. I always get very scared when I realize that my vacation to California is coming rapidly and that I will see him soon. I will be seeing him in a month and 13 days. What if he sees me and laughs then says "I can't believe I was talking to you for 11 months." It'd probably hurt him if I said that to him, that I had those doubts. Because my heart is telling me that he loves me, but my head is saying that he'll hate me and call me ugly when he sees me standing in front of him. I don't know what to do. He knows I'm very insecure though. And everything in regards to weight and being fat bothers me. On the phone with him last night I said fat quite a bit because I read this book that said it a lot, too.
I started reading this book called "The Earth, My Butt, and Other Big Round Things." After my AP final exam yesterday I sat in the library. We were allowed to go home straight after but since I had no right and it was almost 12, school not being let out, I decided the library would be quiet and non-stressful. I went looking for a book and came across this one with a really shiny cover. Heh, shiny. Pretty. I like. I read the cover, chuckled and looked inside the book jacket to read about the book. I always do that to see if I actually will like the book. It's a little preview thing, I guess. It sounded interesting, especially since it deals with weight issues. I don't really want to talk much about the book but it was amazing. It was so amazing that I read it in one day. I have never been able to do that. I mean, granted, it is only 250 pages or so--but still. I don't read. I haven't really read anything in such a long time. I could never find pleasure in it. The book is about a girl who is 15, a sophomore in high school, living in Manhattan and has weight issues. She doesn't fit in with her family as well. Everyone is skinny and beautiful. The book basically starts off with her and this guy, not technically a friend, named Froggy as she's making out with him. He tries to feel her up, and she lets him touch her. She only believes that the reason he's touching her is because it's behind closed doors.
There's a part in the book that really upset me. She talked about this thing called the "Fat Girls Code of Conduct," and how a fat girl doesn't get much action and doesn't have relationships so she needs to abide by the rules. There's a part where it tells about a joke and its: What does a fat girl and a moped have in common? They're both fun to ride, but don't let your friends see you do it." Basically saying, don't tell your friends you're having sex with, dating, or hanging with a fat girl..because they're unworthy of being seen with. It really hit hard with me for some reason. I just couldn't get over it.
Anyway, I probably should stop typing now. This is a super long blog post, though I have had longer. Not in awhile, but I have. Things are just...just right now. I don't want to eat. I want to be thinner. I want to be healthy. I want to just be.
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